An Essay: MY BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON ME AND IT’S ALL AMAZON’S FAULT
by Ali Faris
It is a perfect New York City Saturday morning, lying in bed looking out the window to the majestic Empire State Building and listening to the cars buzzing by and honking down on the street below.
Suddenly Parker starts to become restless and says, "Okay I need to get up and go play with Alexa and try to make her useful."
I know he only talked to her for the first time last night but, slightly annoyed at the urgency of his statement, I say, "Right now? We just woke up. Just wait a little bit."
“I need to try to make her useful!" He is getting anxious now.
"30 more seconds," I wager.
Parker looks at me and says loudly, "Alexa, set an alarm for 30 seconds."
Then I hear her voice. "Alarm set for in 30 seconds."
"Alexa cancel alarm." I counter, accompanied by a piercing glare through the bedroom wall toward her.
Silence, as Alexa (intentionally) disobeys my order.
A quick 30 seconds later chimes start to go off. "Yay, it's Alexa time! Alexa turn on the living room light! I'm coming for you!" Parker exclaims as if he is waking up on Christmas morning to run downstairs to see what Santa brought.
"Okay." Alexa obeys and the lights turn on.
From in the bedroom I hear their conversation. Turning on and off different lights throughout the apartment. Turning on Pandora and switching through stations and songs. Checking the weather in different locations. Asking for news updates. I continue to lie in bed and think to myself “this has to just be a phase,” and let him have his fun for the morning.
The days pass and I sit idly by as Parker and Alexa continue to have their conversations in front of me, not even trying to hide it. Then, one night I start to see a shimmer of hope when I think I am about to get some attention from my boyfriend again.
"Park, did you order the groceries yet?" I ask from the other room, loudly enough to be heard over the music playing. A minute passes by and I repeat myself a little louder, “Parker?”
"Alexa, pause for a second," Parker commands. "What did you say, buttercup?" He finally replies to me.
“Did you order groceries yet?” I repeat.
“Oh, yep! Alexa helped me.”
The love fest continues to brew in front of my eyes. They tell jokes to each other while he laughs his adorable laugh and smiles widely at her.
"Alexa, knock knock."
She immediately, wittily replies back, "Knock knock. Who's there's? Clare. Clare who? Clare the way I'm coming through."
Giddy with laughter Parker rolls around in his chair. He continues on with his fun joke date. "Alexa, beam me up." "Alexa, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?"
Having had enough of this third-wheel time, I make Parker leave the apartment with me to go for a walk. Once we are back later that evening and lying together on the couch in the living room, Parker says, "Alexa turn the living room lights to 10%."
"Okay." Alexa obeys as the lights dim.
"She listens to me." Parker says to me with a smirked expression and raised eyebrows.
I choose to blatantly ignore his comment and ask, "Can you remind me to get a couple things at Whole Foods tomorrow?"
Without a beat, my lovingly boyfriend spits back, "Alexa writes down my grocery list for me."
We go back to our Netflix binge-watching and I think the worst of it is over for the day.
The next evening, as we sit with our glasses of wine on the roof enjoying the city views and sunny fall weather, Parker says "I wish I could bring Alexa up here. She could play Pandora for me."
I respond with a heavy sigh and, in my opinion, normal response, “You can still play it from your phone… What do you want to listen to?”
“It’s not the same!” he whimpers back. And I take a large sip of my wine as I turn on a Pandora station…without the help of Alexa.
Back in the apartment we are going through new dessert recipes to try. Parker asks, bringing her back into the conversation, "Alexa what is your favorite flavor of pudding?"
"I do not have any preferences or desires." Alexa monotonously replies.
As Parker processes this comment, I swear I catch a tear roll down his cheek.
I smile.
By this point, I could not be more excited for any opportunity for us to leave the apartment. As we finish packing our suitcases, preparing to leave for the weekend and head to the airport, Parker says gloomily, "Alexa, turn off Pandora."
"Okay," she replies as Mumford & Sons comes to a halt.
"Thank you…I’ll miss you."
At that moment Parker receives the largest, most well deserved, eye roll in history from me, his current in-the-present human flesh girlfriend, as I leave the apartment ahead of him and let them say their goodbyes alone.
Throughout the weekend, he talks about her on and off to my parents. "Oh! You must get an Alexa! She's the greatest thing ever!" I warn my mom to be careful if Dad gets one.
After we return from our weekend away, the Alexa commands are back to normal, but a bit subdued. I think to myself, 'maybe Parker is finally realizing this is a machine!' He throws in the occasional "I love Alexa!" "Alexa's the best!" "Alexa always listens to me!" Nothing really too wild. The flame of this perfect Alexa image is finally dying down!
Then a few days later, going into our bedroom to get ready for bed, I hear the all too familiar command "Alexa, turn on the bedroom lights." At this point I am really used to it and, for the most part, she will listen to my turn-on-the-lights request.
"Okay," she says with her all too familiar voice as the bedroom lights turn on.
Then I hear the all new follow up from my boyfriend, "Thank you, Dear."
It really is happening now, isn't it?
